Britney Dearest: CoParenting and the Role YOU Play | Guest Post

/ Thursday, June 18, 2015

CoParenting and the Role YOU Play | Guest Post

coparent, coparenting, long distance, blended family, step child, step parent



Hey lovelies!

I go by Bijee or simply “B”, and I blog over at Womans Reflection. It’s a place of encouragement, motivation and discussion on issues we face as moms, wives, singles, friends, and everything in between. I’d like to think when you stop by you are at least given a new perspective and/or some encouragement on your journey. Really excited to be here today taking over Britney’s space.



Let me first tell you, I am passionate about being better. As I get older, I partake less and less in the comparison game and more and more in the finding myself, loving myself, and continually improving myself journey. I am trying to learn and define who I am and leave a legacy for my children. My hope and prayer is that they see their mother as someone who wasn’t perfect but who did her best by them and continually tried to be better to and for them.

One of the things this has required is for me to really evaluate the Co-Parenting relationship that I have with my daughter’s father. I have a blended family and my first child is not with my husband. My daughter has a father who is active in her life, but we share totally different values, thoughts and actions where parenting is concerned; which can make it very challenging.

A while back I wrote about praying for your ex and their happiness and why it is essential when you have children together. Often times, children that are between two parents who couldn’t make a relationship work, end up in the middle of some awful situations. Mine was no different. While it wasn’t as bad as some of the others that I have seen, it wasn’t good and pretty unhealthy for her.

One day I woke up and came to realize that she was ultimately what mattered in it all and as a result of what was happening between the two of us she had feelings she should have never had. She would often times feel like,

She couldn’t talk about her experiences with one parent to the other

I am guilty of times telling her, “I don’t care about what your father did”, or “I don’t want to hear about your dad”, when she went to tell me a story about her time spent with him.
I didn’t realize then, because I was still in my feelings about our situation and the frustration he was causing me even still, that none of that was relevant to her. What she did gather was that two people she loved, didn’t love, let alone like each other.

Uncertain if she should act like she doesn’t love one for fear of upsetting the other

Sometimes I would notice that she would act like she didn’t like her dad or like he got on her nerves (probably imitating me), but she would be super excited and not be like that when she saw him. I felt like she was minimizing or shrinking her feelings for him, worried that I might get mad at her for loving him.

Learned to keep secrets

There were times that things happened over there that she would later mention in passing and I would find myself asking her, “why didn’t you tell me that?” But as a child, she had no discernment to be able to differentiate between what was acceptable to come home and tell me and what was not.
….the list goes on.

As I got older, and she did too, I began to realize the impact that my actions had on her and even on my own frustrations in dealing with her dad. I realized in dealing with him that I didn’t have control over anyone in my situation and their actions but my own; and if I wanted to see change, I had to start with changing myself.

co-parent, co-parenting, long distance, blended family, step child, step parent

And that is what happened, albeit, it didn’t happen overnight.

Let me also say when I realized this in parenting her {my daughter}, I saw change in our relationship as well.

As my daughter got older, the inability of my ex and I to communicate and get along manifested into other problems with her. She became sneaky, untrustworthy, and flat out manipulative because she knew her parents stood on opposite sides of the fence, and hardly, if ever, talked. She knew that she could do things at one house that the other would never know about and vice versa. When she started pulling scams on us, we finally realized that for her benefit and proper direction in the future, we had to do this parenting thing TOGETHER.

It’s not always easy. We still disagree. We still don’t see eye to eye on several things, but we talk, come together, and work things out for the best interest of her.

Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. –James 3:18

She didn’t ask to be here, she didn’t ask to be born to two young adults in the midst of their own immaturity and chaos and so therefore she didn’t deserve to have to suffer while we figure it out. The greatest advice that I can give you is to bring it together, find common ground and stand strong on it, and work together.

It will require for you to be the bigger person a lot of times, to get over yourself even more times, and to do some things that in all your flesh and being, you just don’t want to do – but do it and see how it benefits your child.

As my daughter is getting older she is seeing her father (and me) for who we truly are. She is seeing what our intentions are, and the avenues of thought that we have. She loves us both and she knows where she stands with both of us. I pray that when she gets older she will look back and say my parents figured it out because they loved me that much! And if you are like me, you want your children to wake up and call you blessed!

This parenting thing is not for the faint at heart my friends but you have been equipped to fight through. This is what I have to tell myself on those really rough days. I just imagine the day that I see her grow up into a productive person, and great mother if she chooses to become one, because she had a decent example of what it really liked like.

I challenge you if you are unhappy within the co-parenting relationship you have with your child’s other parent (or any relationship honestly) to ask what can you change about YOU to make it better?

Thank you for reading. If you are interested in more posts like this feel free to sign up to follow along with me here.

Be blessed.
B-
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2 comments:

  1. This was such a great article, I think parents separated and together can really relate because often in families together you still know as a kid that if your mom says no go ask dad.

    Thank you for sharing.

    I need your help, can you spread Finn's story for me.

    A 5 month old boy born with a heart condition had open heart surgery in April, he had complications and has been in the hospital ever since. Read more on facebook at Prayers for Finn

    He really is the happiest baby & has won my heart.

    I have put together an instagram auction to help raise money for his medical bills. @prayersforfinnauction #prayersforfinn

    please post a photo of Finn and tag @prayersforfinnauction so that your readers can check it out. It will be June 25

    AMAZING shops have come together in donations and now as bloggers its our responsibility to spread his awareness.

    Thank you so much
    xo, Michelle
    http://rosetolife.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can't imagine coparenting with an ex. I applaud those who can put aside their differences for the benefit of their kids. It must be hard though. Obviously something divided the couple to begin with, and it takes hard work to put that aside and function as a team.

    ReplyDelete

About Me

Hi! I'm Britney. I'm a wife and a mother to 3 children + 1 fur baby. Britney Dearest is a family lifestyle blog where I share my personal experiences as a wife, mother, homeowner, and creative to provide a virtual space where moms can find encouraging tips and inspiring resources for family, home, and mom life. Read more

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